Should I begin with self pity. Or should I begin with giving up or should I stay positive.
I don't know. I'm just an ordinary girl. Who needs a lot of attention. Love. And care. From the right person. Somehow, you are not able to give me what I needed. I know your style. So I changed myself instead. I became independent. I became strong. When things happen, I choose not to show my tears to u. But it was just a facade for u. The real me is weak. The real me is needy. The real me just want to break down and cry. The real me wishes so much she could cry on ur shoulder. That u could lay a comforting hand on my head or give me a hug. Or whisper a few words. In my dreams. In my fantasy perhaps.
I wonder if I have went too far. Besides
Having a stable and well financed family, I wonder if I was making the right choice to even choose to marry you. I wonder if I have gave in too much that respect is no longer there when u converse with me.
U said that I have portrayed myself as being too noble. Yes. U know what? I felt that I have maxed out myself and done better than I have expected from myself. (All thanks to u) I don't need you to appreciate what i have done because all that I have done was for my son and it was my own accord. But i really do not appreciate redundant remarks or blames. Times when u chose to ignore his cries and continue sleeping, I just watch you sleep while i do the feeding and hoaxing. At first it was hard for me to accept. But after that i relented and became use to it. Then all u could help was to tell me u haven't had enough sleep. Or questioning how can I sleep through even when baby is crying so loudly. I suggested u sleep in another room and you scolded me by saying why is it that I have to rebut 10 negative remarks for one sentence u have said. I wanted to explain that it was out of concern that I suggested that. U wanted to wake up for football match that night. U said u were tired. So I suggested u could sleep in another room. But before I can talk further. A SHUT UP was thrown to me.
How hurtful. How so hurtful. That hurt reminds me of how u have rejected my initiative of making our sex life more enticed.
My heart is dead. I have to start guarding it. To let it heal, I need to close the doors for awhile. No point talking to u anymore. Maybe this marriage will just come to and end. One day. One day when I cannot take it anymore. Maybe I'm not the woman who can keep ur heart. My words are like garbage to u. Maybe myself too.
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