Having a baby is no doubt tiring. I basically have no free time to do anything else. And it suck when my husband don't recognise my effort. And is not the sort who take initiative to give me a helping hand in any ways. Note to self not to have a second child. Babies are really cute. But it would drive me crazy when I have to go through all these alone. 

One of the keys to success

“It’s so hard to forget pain, but it’s even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.” ― Chuck Palahniuk

You are a slave to your past. Yes, your life might include unfortunate events that are worth getting upset about, but these mishaps are meaningless when viewed through the context of your entire existence. Since your future happiness is determined by how you react in the present, don’t you think it’s time to forget about the past?

I am so confuse

Sigh. I can't seemed to do anything right. I made a mistake again. I grumble about taking care of my baby again. My poor baby. I don't side serve to be called a good mother. Two days ago we went to trish place to eat. And they did a table setting where all four corners has dining mats instead of the usual three. I was puzzled when bil took the seat that is back facing the tv. I asked him why he don't want to watch tv. It had never crossed my mind they placed it that way so that they can keep a lookout at my own son. And I happily took my usual seat that is facing the tv and back facing my poor son. Why why why. Why am I always thinking about myself first. Sigh. I feel down. Feel lousy. Sometimes I sent to get away from the house I'm staying in.  I want to show hubby how angry I am with him. How I cannot take his stubbornness anymore. But I know I am super immature. He is not even angry at me for being so hot temper like slamming cabinet doors and all that. Yet I am thinking of doing so many nasty stuff to him. He thinks about our future. Worrying that once he leave the world who is there to take care of me and r. He is planning for the future yet I am angry at him over the silliest thing. Sigh. 

End up my mum is not able to commit herself to take care of my baby. I ended up switching my work to 3 day work week. My first reaction was happy. Because I get to see my baby more frequently. But when the night falls, I started to feel the tiredness. Just the thought of taking care of him 24/7 makes me fearful already. 

Being a sahm isn't easy. No rest day. No friends. No activities. Only baby here baby there :( I really forsee I can't do it. But what to do, after my maternity leave is used up. I will have to quit my job and be R's caregiver. Sigh..

I need to start smth to do. Either freelance or start cooking. If not I will be super bored and grumpy. And my rs w hubs will suffer 

2nd day back at work. So far so good. Getting enough night sleep. Even though I don't dare to think what will happen to me in the next few months / years. But thankfully my mum is able to help me take care of my little baby. Never felt more assured with this arrangement. I kinda like the break away from taking care of my boy. The constant guessing of what he wants when he whines. The constant fear of him waking up when he is sleeping on the flat motionless space and ostraciZing the rocking cradle. Hope my mother is enjoying taking care of him. 

So I've kinda went back to my pre preg weight after 2 mths. Weighing the lowest at 48.8kg and highest at 50.2kg. :)

I recalled I was about 62-63kg on the last weight measurement before I gave birth. So it was a total of 14-15kg. After birth I become 55kg. Which I dropped 7kg straight. And then took 2 mths to shake the other 7kg off. Yay! Well done girl!

Anyway. Saying that I like the break away doesn't mean I don't miss my son. I really miss him so much. Watching his smile and taking care of him. It brightens me up when I know he doesn't want anyone else but me. I think he can recognise me. If not, the smell of my boobs. Haha. Can't wait for Thursday. Rush home. And spend the weekend with my 2 month old and 1 week baby! I love you R!

Self reflect

U know my last entry was just saying how I want to be a better person who knows my self worth. But it's rather hard. Tang isn't the sort who sings me praised all he time nor sweet talk me. Instead he could be rather straight forward and most of the time impatient with everything. 

Today I started ranting again when he told me he don't want to go to my aunts place. He told me he's like that since day 1 and insist that he won't change. Sigh. Anyway just to share the print screen. To remind myself that he knows and appreciates what I've been doing. 

Dear god. I pray that tang will listen to me more, get into my family more and be more understanding. 

Reminder

Here is a post to remind myself.

Two days ago when mil was here and grabbed baby from my hands when I failed to pacify him. I hated it when some one else can do a better job in pacifying my own baby.  Which was why I kind of hated the CL for certain times.

And then I went into the room and breastfeed baby at 6plus. Hubby walked in the room. I told him I miss Aunty. And then I admitted that I threw tantrum on her sometimes. He said he knows. He saw it a few times. He said I don't know how am I behaving. There were a few times I'm angry at her but I never did it infront of hubby. Yet hubby said he knows. Which means there were really times that I threw my temper without realising. 

Hubby knows. I just want to say the things thay I've done. He knows. I don't have to purposely blame him for not doing things. I don't have to look for appreciation. Because he knows them just that he don't say it. 

He always try his best to help. I must remember.