I am so confuse

Sigh. I can't seemed to do anything right. I made a mistake again. I grumble about taking care of my baby again. My poor baby. I don't side serve to be called a good mother. Two days ago we went to trish place to eat. And they did a table setting where all four corners has dining mats instead of the usual three. I was puzzled when bil took the seat that is back facing the tv. I asked him why he don't want to watch tv. It had never crossed my mind they placed it that way so that they can keep a lookout at my own son. And I happily took my usual seat that is facing the tv and back facing my poor son. Why why why. Why am I always thinking about myself first. Sigh. I feel down. Feel lousy. Sometimes I sent to get away from the house I'm staying in.  I want to show hubby how angry I am with him. How I cannot take his stubbornness anymore. But I know I am super immature. He is not even angry at me for being so hot temper like slamming cabinet doors and all that. Yet I am thinking of doing so many nasty stuff to him. He thinks about our future. Worrying that once he leave the world who is there to take care of me and r. He is planning for the future yet I am angry at him over the silliest thing. Sigh.