Sorry if I made u lose pride in front of Mil. Not my intention. Your safety including R and Q was why I was so sharp on you. And I wasnt in a good space as u know with work and R throwing tantrums

I'm sorry to throw tantrums at u at the wrong moment too. I will work on being more detailed to our safety. I will also learn to be less sensitive to your firmness and look at your perspective and understand your intentions more.

That's the ending. And reminder to self on the promise I made. No throwing tantrums! 

Yes I throw tantrums all the time when I'm unfairly treated. But I also put up with so many other things. Why must I always be the one suffering. Yes. U are willing to let go of me if I'm suffering. But not at this time when I don't have other house to turn to. Not at this time when I'm pregnant and have a toddler in tow. Not at this time when my mum has no home to turn to. It's very sad how u use the word divorce so easily and so many times. Especially when u know my plight now. The marriage vows means nothing to you. Just like I am to you. 

Dun tok rubbish. If u r unhappy with me say so. I drop u will be earlier. Do what u want. I dun give a fuck now. Damn fuck up already. Do what u all want

Yes plus I am very hurt. No point saying. You are just being you.

Hurt? Your

Son bully u I discipline him and be the bad guy and u are hurt? Whatever. U wanna do whatever do. I got more problems to worry about now. U better maybe find a husband who can support u if I lose my job

The words u said when I tried to open your car door to go in.

Divorce me go look for someone else who is better

Use your fuckin brain

Totally no respect

Whatever u wanna think. U wanna behave like that over such things fine. Never think if it's your problem

Or mine in the first place

You don't have to be so harsh in the way u talk to me. U don't even talk like that to a friend u just met. Or Ur worker. Why should I deserve such treatment

U do respect me? My workers respect me before I respect them

U take fucking advantage of my softness to u

And i don't speak to u in harsh tones like u do to me

I nv ask for much from you

Same here. I provide for this family and ask for nothing in return! U all cNt even cooperate over simple things

And wanna be nice to your son even when he throw tantrum at u. I dun wan a ill behaved kid.

Wanna tok about respect yet your son dun respect u u dun bother.

Do what u want if u think is right

I'm sorry if you feel I'm harsh and not good to you or disrespect you. You're my wife and I can honestly say I never do negative things to u or will. It is up to you to think what u think of me. If you feel I'm not good enough for u then tell me what u want and I will respect your decision. Since the day we been together I kept my temper in check and I dun think I ever started and argument or get angry with u unless u start it. And I think I'm always the one making up even though I know most times I'm not at fault. If u feel u are suffering with me then sorry for causing u distress. I'm not enough for u cos the person u married is the same person u knew before u married.

I just hope you don't use harsh tones or words when u're talking to me. It makes me feel lousy when you say things like "Use your eyes to see" especially when Mildred is around. And take for example today.. The words like use my fucking brain and saying divorce out so easily really makes me question how much I stand in your heart. I know I may not be very bright, and can be very forgetful, that's why u get so impatient with me easily. I probably shouldn't take Ur words to heart but i really can't help but to feel a little hurt. You may be the same as before, but being together as a couple for some time now, can I ask for u to be softer and more forgiving? I know you love the family and work very hard to provide for us. Thank you for that. I am very blessed that I have a roof over me, as u know I have no other home already. Im really not going to ask for more. I'm sorry that this has to happen at the time ure facing the most stress at work.

Let me first tell u why sometimes I park the car inside and sometime more outside. When Sam is not back yet I will park my car more inside so that I dun block his car when he needs to park. When his car is there first I park my car more outside as it is easier for me to get out cos my car door can open wider. Why was I telling u to use your eyes last night? U see what u were doing? Carry R on one hand, trying to keep the door open, big stomach, trying to squeeze in. U weren't even thinking of safety for yourself and R. Already I was not feeling good with things at work and then R throwing tantrum. Then I see u doing that. My limit is bursting already. I dun need u to show extra concern to me but I dun expect of all people u add extra burden onto me by throwing tantrums at me too over trivial things like this. I can tell u if I'm not forgiving u would get a scolding from me everyday. mil will get shit from me for not taking care of R properly and letting him hit my head that night. There many things I already very very patient. I'm certainly not the most soft and forgiving person but I'm not nasty like u think I am. That's why I say if u feel 委屈 then dun be with me. Like that can't stand better get a divorce. I didn't go into this relationship after my previous failed ones wanting to be bearing with trivial quarrels due to trivial matters. That was what I had to face back then.

我常常都在想。如果有一天妈妈真的离我而去了，我该怎么办。以前妈妈给我的答案就是到时我将会有自己的家，不会那么依赖妈妈了。我不认为。现在我已有个家了。每一天我都会觉得得妈妈的生命又少了一天。每一天我一定会和她通话。就是不想错过跟她在一起的时光。希望妈妈能健健康康，快快乐乐的过她未来的十年，十五年，二十年。I love you so much mummy 

我的妈妈

我曾说过 “我的一生好幸福, 既不愁吃，也不愁穿。” 但我需要补充一下。我的幸福来自于妈妈对我的疼爱。因为一直以来都是妈妈守护着我。为了不让爸爸烦我们，妈妈只好什么都帮他做。即使爸爸不给家用，妈妈也不惜一切供我们读大学。零用钱也不会少给。即使爸爸让妈妈怎么样的受委屈、妈妈都坚定要我们听爸爸的话,要尊敬他。这是小时候的成长过程。妈妈就是这样什么都自己扛。遇到什么委屈，都不会对我们说，还会强颜欢笑。在我眼里，妈妈就是那么开朗活泼。长大后才知道那都是表面的。

大概念了理工学院时，我就老是在外面摸到三根半夜，让妈妈又气又担心。当时还一直觉得被妈妈约束，还好几次把爸爸的事怪到她那里去。还说这个家已经不算什么家了。

真的是直到嫁了人才大大发现妈妈对我有多重要。在我最低落的做月时间，或觉得受委屈时，我很庆幸有个温暖的老妈在我耳边安慰我。真的，什么人的好都比不上妈妈的好。记得当时妈妈在中国玩时，我忍了好久才决定打给她。那通电话内容是什么，我记不得了。只知道只有妈妈懂我，了解我。

 

有时候觉得自己真是个长不大的孩子。也好想永远当妈妈长不大的孩子。但就在去年的8月，妈妈突然向我倾述她所面对的烦恼。我不知所错。知道妈妈得了忧郁症，我真的好担心也好想替她想办法解决她所面对的烦恼。突然间我和妈妈好像对调位置，变成是我需要守护妈妈了。但当时的我力不从心。原本想帮她解决报馆的事，最后弄巧成拙。唯独能做的只是抽出时间陪妈妈看医生， 出门， 聊天， 叫她来带孙孙。

这才发现那个坚强、什么事都自己扛的妈妈也需要被疼爱，被守护。在那段日子，妈妈每一天都快乐不起来，快乐指数每次都低于5。我心里知道妈妈跟我和孙孙在一起时的笑容都是短暂，表面的。妈妈必须靠药物才能勉强的把烦恼抛开。

突然我像是从梦中清醒过来。发现妈妈快60岁了，但我却没法让她享福。曾经我还天真的以为只要妈妈能抽出一两天的时间照顾孙孙，就能逃避爸爸，病情可能也会好转。但是发现原来这只会照成妈妈更加压力。她既想帮我，又不想面对爸爸的指指点点。妈妈好像被爸爸隐形的绳子绑住了。可能就是这样，我变得很珍惜跟妈妈在一起的时光。我记得每当妈妈过来看孙孙时，我终是迫不及待奔回家，就是为了看妈妈多一眼，和她说说话。

有一天爸爸打来说妈妈失去控制要我回家一趟。打给妈妈时，她只是一直叫我不要来。还好我去了。妈妈躺在床上一动也不动，眼睛含着泪、额头不停皱着。妈妈是哭太多了。而爸爸好像一点也不在乎。妈妈为了保留一个家，她忍受爸爸的所做所谓。我抱着妈妈，眼泪不停流着。到底这样的生活还要过多久。

所以我突然决定我一定要好好劝妈妈离开。还打给远在国外的哥哥，叫他说服妈妈。我不知道妈妈的极限在哪里。只知道如果让她继续和爸爸生活，只会越变越糟。因为爸爸从来不为其他人着想，更不会真正关心妈妈。所以我不断的支持妈妈进行离开的计划。

就在3月12号妈妈告诉我她订了隔天的机票。事情发生得有点突然。我又不禁落泪了。虽然知道这对妈妈来说是最好的决定但还是对妈妈有千千万分的不舍。想到妈妈以后离我千里之外又对爸爸有一种恐惧-不知道他将会做出什么事。不过比起妈妈的苦，当然我这一点不算什么。很快的，我说服自己要比妈妈更坚强，要做妈妈的靠山。就这样把妈妈送到悉尼了。

妈妈到了悉尼后，自由马上恢复。我们两也能轻轻松松不受约束的video chat 一两个钟头。妈妈才把爸爸以前做的事情说出来。妈妈受的苦和委屈真是太多了。我常常说妈妈是我的榜样，这是真的。妈妈总是能够那么轻易的放下对自己的委屈，只想着要怎么让身边的人快乐。

我以前常常问神，如过这是神要妈妈接受的考验，会不会太久了？我记得我们俩很诚恳的在香港的许愿池祈祷爸爸的生意赶快收盘。但是这件事没有发生过。不过今天我要感谢主让妈妈有勇气重生了。妈妈一身都为我们一家劳碌，不论是爸爸的生意，或我和哥哥的学业，生活。是时候为她自己而活了。对我而言，妈妈的快乐比什么都重要。只要妈妈开心，我就开心了。很希望她能够和姨妈一样，整天到处乱跑，出国旅游，自由自在。现在妈妈在基督徒里。我祈祷着耶稣会让妈妈有无穷的祝福。让她对生命充满热情。